It's okay not to be okay;

I had an episode today - 05/31/19

Those who have Anxiety or have suffered from Depression know what the term episode means exactly. Now when I say episode, I don't mean throwing a fit in the middle of the supermarket because I did not get my way or watching the episode of Squid's Day off on the television from my couch. No. I mean my anxiety creeped up on me in the dark wanting to pick a fight. Anxiety has this way of making you feel safe with her at all times but also likes to play pranks on you. Its favorite game to play is hide and seek. It sneaks up on you when your guard is down to push you off your feet. As I stand there determined to outbox her, I find myself unwillingly deconstructing and over analyzing everything that I do a million times. It is no longer me watching and finding humor in Squidward running back and forth to the Krusty Krab to check up on SpongeBob. This time I am Squidward.

I have been wanting to write a dedicated blog post about my Mental Health for the entire month of May for a very long time now. As you can tell, with it being the 31st of May, I never did until today. That is because my anxiety thought opening up was such a hilarious joke. It made me not want to write about it. Instead I was constantly pushing this post to the side constantly worried about the thought of discussing myself. However, with the episodes being a lot more frequent I decided it was finally time to be transparent. As I sit here behind this monitor, I try to find the correct words and expressions to correctly elucidate the emotional state of mind I once found myself engulfed in. So here's my story.

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Part 1. OCD

As a person, I am a very private being with certain aspects of my life even though it seems that at times I am very open. That is because most of the people who are in my life have only scratched the surface. Only 4 people truly know my story. My significant other and my immediate family members. To initiate this segment, I want to begin by explaining a little about my childhood. Growing up I was a constant worried child. I would overthink and be worried about situations and outcomes that were completely out of my control as a 6 year old. You might be thinking, you can't possibly remember those feelings as a child. The truth being is that those are the earliest recollections I have that play a factor in my Mental Health. I grew up in a very Mexican household with no mention or knowledge of Mental Health issues. Call me blindsided by the issues, but with the little awareness I possessed I had no clue what was going on with me. It wasn't up until High School during a very heated argument that I learned what I really had.

During the times that I was expected to do household chores as a kid, I was slowly developing germophobia. My germophobia wasn't something that just happened overnight. From what I can recall, the more I cleaned, the more I realized I needed things to be clean. Not in a clutter sort of way but more in wanting things to be disinfected. I remember having to do my bed a certain way, and when I was done with it, no one not even I could sit on it because of the germs. I would sit on the floor at the end of my bed instead. Not many know about my germaphobia because of what I experienced as a kid when expressing my concerns about germs. This kept me from telling others that I dislike germs or that things in my home had to be a certain way because of the fear of having them think that I was uptight. It is far from being uptight. Regardless of how hard I try to ignore it, I simply cannot shake the feeling in my head. You might be wondering how this ties into my anxiety, well fast forward to my late teen years. I have now found myself being obsessed with doing certain rituals in my head to ensure certain outcomes. Such as, always leaving a thought with the letter 'A' if thinking of a letter, and leaving a thought by seeing or counting the numbers 9 and 10 when dealing with numbers. This ensured me that my outcome would be receiving A's in my classes. However, this took a lot of my time from me with having to constantly repeat them before I could even do anything else. I am now washing my hands up to 3 times during a wash because I did not wash them "correctly" or well enough. I am now struggling with my dogs being who they are. I am now avoiding certain scenarios that deal with sharing. Still very blindsided of the severity it was slowly leading to.

I can recall a pretty tough day for me where those feelings are still extremely vivid. That was the day I realized my germophobia had gotten out of control and the best of me. During that time I was really struggling with myself and was under a lot of stress. I remember crying and having a breakdown one day because both of my dogs were together in the same crate. To many, that might sound insane but for me it was a huge deal. When I finally woke up from being lost, I realized I needed to do something about it.

As I've gotten older, I do still struggle on a daily basis with my OCD, but I have been able to learn and accept certain things as they are. Some days are a lot foggier than others, these are known as my 'episode' days. I am still doing rituals but keep them to a minimum. I'm still coping with my germophobia, but I have managed to learn how to control it a lot better. It took a matter of me realizing how bad I had let my OCD control me for me to say enough is enough. Even though it may be hard at times to control OCD it can be done. I have accepted that this is a part of me and has helped me grow as a person. It is a matter of learning how to share the torch with your struggles to not let it fully control your life. It can develop into something a lot worst and become a big factor in easily avoidable situations. Remember, your body is your home and no one else's. You decide who takes that torch.

Join me next time where I discuss and go into further detail about my struggle with Anxiety and its major role during my time with Depression.

XO,

Fabi